Party at the fabrica with my new friends and family. Eu amo voces, estou com saudade! Italia Sorvetes, best ice cream in Brazil!

I recently returned from the longest trip of my life.. so far.  A nine week stay in a country where I was exposed to pure love, strong family, great food, ice cold beer, piranha, crocodiles, rain for days, raging rivers, lightening storms, happy tears of hello, sad tears of farewell, and let me not forget all the phenomenal surf I scored the last six of those weeks.  Ever since I was twelve years old, I can remember wanting to go to this country, something was telling me that I needed to go there some day, and last December it finally happened.  Brazil is paradise! Since that first trip I’ve been back two times with the last trip lasting nine weeks.  Those are entire blog entries on their own.  Right now I would like to share a lesson I learned after coming home.

The descent from heaven back to earth is always a tough adjustment for me, obviously, but this trip was particularly brutal, on all levels.  The lifestyle I created for myself was just magical, and the people I had the privilege of staying with were unforgettable.

The first time down to Brazil I met and fell totally in love with a beautiful soul, Mayana, which is another blog entry of it’s own, but she has a lot to do with this entry as well.  The beginning of the last trip I stayed with Mayana’s family in a city called Campo Grande, which is near the center of Brazil in Mato Grosso do Sul, for a total of 24 nights.  24 nights!!  That’s unheard of where I’m from.  I grew up hearing the phrase “company is like fish, it goes bad after 3 days”.  The Brazilians don’t think this way at all.  In her parents house lives her parents, grand parents on her mothers side, her brother and 5 year old cousin.  Now that’s what I call a family unit.  Being an only child raised by a single mother, this way of living was completely foreign to me, however, it was a life changing experience.  Not only did they live in peace, they each did their part to ensure the family’s happiness and survival.

Not once did I feel like a burden to them, in fact, they made me feel right at home.  I had my own room, plenty of space, freedom to do my own thing, great meals, and ice cold beer!  They opened their home to me, their family, their lives, their hearts.  And for this, I am truly grateful for the experience that they shared with me.  Te amo, minha nova familia!  They introduced me to many things, making sure that I got to see as much as I could while I was there.  I met the entire family and I mean the entire family, from all the grand parents, great grand parents, cousins, aunts, uncles, everybody.  And I adored each one of them.  Mayana’s parents, Regina and Rogilson, also took me to Bolivia for a weekend trip, and what a trip it was, literally and figuratively.  But again, that’s a whole other blog entry, let me get back to this one.

Rogilson & Regina- Meu sogro, minha sogra. On a dock in Bolivia.

After my time with the family was up, I said my farewells and hit the road to meet Mayana.  She lives on an island in Santa Catarina, Isla da Magia, Island of Magic.  It was my time with her that changed my life drastically.  The life we shared was so beautiful, so loving, giving, honest, open, enchanting.  It’s so breathtaking, expressing love.  It had been so long that I wasn’t aware that I was capable of it.  Not only was I capable, but this expression was at a new level, far beyond anything I had ever experienced before.  It was inspiring, thrilling, and scary all at the same time.

The last 6 weeks I was in Brazil I got to spend it in total bliss.  The lifestyle I created for myself was magnificent.  I’ll give you a run down:

• Wake up and meditate for 30-45 minutes
• Wake Mayana up so she could get ready for work
• Cook breakfast while she showered
• Have breakfast and coffee together
• Walk her down the hill, then go surf
• Surf for 2-3 hours
• Shower and make some more food
• Check emails, connect with friends and family
• Straighten the house, do the dishes
• Do some writing, create this blog
• Go to town and see some friends there, favorite spot- Cafe Cultura, great place Josh!
• Read my book while I rode the bus to the city center
• Meet Mayana when she got off work
• Go to the market and buy the food we needed for dinner and the following days lunch
• After getting back home:
• Put groceries away
• Help Mayana with her English lessons
• Practice yoga with Mayana
• Cook and eat dinner
• Watch a movie while eating the best popcorn.. EVER!
• Go to bed, looking forward to doing it all over again the next day

That was my day.  I’m sure you can understand why it was so difficult for me to leave.  So now I’m trying to integrate my life there with my life here.  To bring what I loved with me so my happiness isn’t isolated to Brazil.  It took me a month to start to feel at home again.  I haven’t been writing my blog, hanging out with friends, surfing.. nothing.

I tried to go to sleep the other night but I just lied there.. thinking.  Thinking about all the things that I didn’t have, spinning myself into a panic state.  Then, right in the center of the storm, my body jolted like I had been struck by lightening and I opened my eyes.  What was I doing?  My heart was pounding hard and fast, I was sweating, I was breathing heavy.  I have to stop this.  I have to turn things around or I could end up in that dark valley of fear without any way out.   So I woke up.  I woke up from my nightmare of self doubt and loneliness.  I stopped the tornado of thoughts and started breathing, focusing on the inhale, then the exhale, inhale, exhale.. until I felt my heart slow down.  I decided to stop focusing on what I don’t have and focus on what I do have, and figure out how to get the things that I want.  I was going to pick myself up, brush myself off, and get back to the source of my happiness.

I felt my guardian angels with me that night, and I started listening to what they were telling me.. everything will be okay, everything will be okay…  I thought about all the things that I have in my life that I’m grateful for, allowing the way they make me feel to radiate through my body.  After about 15 minutes of that I was ready to get some sleep.  If I plan on manifesting all the lovely things in my life that I’m determined to, then I need to have a shift in my energy field.  What do I think will come into my life if my field is occupied with thoughts of longing and despair?  More longing and despair.  I don’t want that.  So I will change my energy, my vibe, not my life circumstance.  I’ve realized over the years that I don’t need to change my life situation in order to be happy, just my perspective.  Happiness comes from within me, not from an outer source.

I woke up the next morning and went surfing with my cousin, Daimon, at the jetty right in front of my place.  The waves weren’t very good, but it was still one of the best session of my life.  It was a new beginning for me, and what a better way to start it off than in the womb of Mother Earth.  I had just endured an extended lull.  Experiencing loneliness, frustration, confusion, and I was ready to ride the next wave of my existence.

And here it comes…

My idea of Heaven.

No matter how big the vessel or how difficult it may be to operate, grab it with both hands and take control. It’s bound to be a bumpy road, but one thing I’ve learned is this, I usually get car sick less if I’m driving.

I realized, that night, the only thing we take with us when we pass on is our memories.  Not our family, our wardrobe, cars, house, dog, cat, back accounts, none of it.  Just the memory of them.  I had been given a gift, the opportunity to look back on my life before it was ending.  Which gave me the chance to decide what I wanted to cultivate and what I wanted to let go of, what was helping me and what was harming me, see my good qualities and flinch at my not so good habits.

A huge chunk of that lengthy flashback was encompassed by one word.  One little word that had such a monstrous effect on everything, my health, my happiness, my life.  One miniscule word that has been the cause of countless fights, wars, it’s broken up families, has been the source of deep depressions.. Money.  I saw all the years I spent working my ass off trying to make as much money as possible, none of which I was taking with me, all the stress I put myself through over it.  That was a tough blow, the power that it had over me for so many years.  I could’ve spent that time in ways that would make me smile when I look back on them.  I had a choice to make.  How was I going to use this gift of serious epiphanic reflection?

I opted for transformation.  To take the helm and adjust my course, re-calibrate my guidance system to steer me towards more tranquil waters.  I was no longer going allow money to weigh down on my shoulders as I marched through life.  I was no longer going to allow it to stop me from doing the things that I wanted to do, no longer say “I would love to do that, if only I had the money”.  Sure, money is a part of doing almost anything in this world, but it’s not the most important part.  If I were to continue giving power to something that was so unstable, my life would always be rocky, never secure enough to flourish. I was going to use it for what it is intended, to improve my life and the lives around me.

This life reflection also gave me the chance to decide what type of movie I wanted my life story to be the next time I watched it.  I chose a movie filled with adventure and romance, family and connection, creativity and growth, travel and excitement, love and expression, friends and surf.  Yeah, that sounds good to me, that’s my style of movie.  I know it’s a lot to ask for, in one movie, but why not ask for a lot, I may just get it.

What type of movie would yours be if you were to watch it right now?

What type of movie do you want it to be?

Create your own love story.

Here I stand, on my own, naked and vulnerable to the elements, with strong roots of self-reliance, limbs spread to welcome the changing seasons, ready to face the next step of my evolution.

Over the years I’ve spent way too much time waiting for others to join me in doing the things that I’ve wanted to do.  Looking back, it sounds ridiculous to say what I just said, but it was true.  It was like I needed them in order for me to get off my ass and do what I knew needed to be done in order for me to get what I wanted.  Again, sounds dumb, I know, but that’s the way it was for me, for many years.  I remember getting so enraged at a friend of mine one day, for not doing what I wanted to do and I had been waiting for him, that I actually yelled at him, calling him all sorts of names.  Then I realized that it was my dream, not his, and I went out and did it.

In hindsight, I now know that I was projecting on my poor friend, sorry homeboy, you know I love you, and I was actually yelling at myself for not doing what I had told myself I would do.  Such a peculiar thing we do, projection.  It has caused much grief in my life, breaking up relationships, putting space in between me and my loved ones, and countless numbers of feelings that I’ve hurt over the years, all because I saw in others what I didn’t like about and what I couldn’t see in myself.  But that’s a whole other blog entry on my list, let’s get back to independence.

Of course, I have needed lots of assistance on many of my journeys, coming from a very modest background and having grand aspirations.  I’ve had a tremendous amount of help along the way from some truly amazing people.  But I think it’s extremely important that I no longer rely on others in order to achieve my goals.  Not only important, but self gratifying and self empowering, setting me up for success in this life.  What a feeling, to start a project from scratch and seeing it through to the end, knowing that you did it all on your own.  We’re all very blessed for living in the time that we live in.  Everything we could ever need or want is only a click of the mouse away.

I especially like it when I need to do something I’ve never done before in order to accomplish the next step, it gives me the opportunity to learn something new.  Take this blog for example.  I’ve never done anything like it before.  That’s not entirely true, I did help out with the text on ROAD TO RED’s blog during our last stay in Portugal, which gave me at least an idea of what a blog is about, but I had never created one, from thought to concept to pictures to layout to publish, I had to learn all that.  My friend helped me, a bit, with a few of the techie things, thanks Jason Honey at Side Dish Studios, your the man!  It was still a lot of try and retry, add and delete, save and DAMN IT, I forgot to save!  Yet, tons of fun.

Now I find myself wanting to do everything I can do on my own.  If there’s a tear in my pants, I’ll stitch it, instead of taking them to the cleaners.  If my bike gets a flat tire, I’ll change it, instead of taking it to the bike shop.  If my surfboard gets a ding, I’ll patch it, instead of taking it to the surf shop.  The list goes on and on but the point is- Independence.

I got off the plane, all hyped up to start my 3 week long surf trip, to see an odd shape in my board bag. When I opened it up this is what I saw.. sweet! The board on top was brand new, that I had made, and the board on bottom was shaped by the best, Filipe Ferreira of Ipsylon.

A lil story I’d like to share with you to convey the importance of non-attachment:

A mentor/friend of mine, Corey Allen, has been living in a retirement home for several months now after losing his house to a fire.  He’s up there in age, and suffers from a mild case of dimensia, so he has to stay in a special area of the center that has locks on the doors for fear of the occupants deciding to walk out of the front door.

First, a lil bit about Corey, he has had an amazing life and career.  Starting off as an actor in the 50’s, he worked for several years in theater, film and television with his debut film role in REBEL WITHOUT A CAUSE.  Switching to the directors chair in the 60’s, he worked as creator, director and producer in MANY different TV shows and films up till the 90’s, winning EMMYS, Directors Guild awards, instructing acting classes and workshops,  as well as being presented with an honorary Doctorate of Humane Letters from Columbia College-Hollywood for his help in shaping the minds and careers of the future directors and producers of the industry.  Including my good friend, Shaun Greenspan, who is a definite up and coming director/producer, and a fellow surfer, who I’ve had the pleasure of working with on numerous occasions, keep the dream alive brother!  Look Corey up on IMDB, his credits go for miles.

When I went to visit Corey for the first time I had come to a very humbling understanding of non-attachment.  The area of the center he was now living, was filled with people that were, for the lack of a better to say this, souls that could not let go of their bodies.  The body was no longer functioning properly, including the brain, and it was shutting down, creating many discomforts for the traveler as well as those around them.  The soul, being so attached to the form, was unable to leave this plane and move on to the next, afraid of what it is becoming, it holds on tight to what it once was.  I encountered a lady there who was living in a constant state of believing she’s in her youth and on her way to a dance, not a bad place to live but that life was long gone, and she now lived in a room that she would be locked into for the night and every night that followed until she decides to allow that dance to take place in the stars instead of in her past.  I also felt this with the formless souls that were so deeply attached, that even after the body had finally  retired, they still lingered.

One thing I know for sure, when my soul can no longer travel within this body, I would like it to continue on without this body, on a new path, experiencing new adventures.

Things come, and things go.  Everything changes.  There’s a million phrases that we’ve all heard a thousand times, but to consciously practice non-attachment involves daily dedication and a lifelong commitment.  However, the payoff is immeasurable.  And the continued practice of non-attachment has several bonus advantages, like appreciating that in which you do have, at the moment you have it, instead of after it has left your presence.  The irony is, that it’s a gift that keeps on giving as it takes things away from you.  And the larger value, the harder the lesson, the greater the reward.

After, died a virgin.

Before, freshly finished, modeled by the Caveman.

Simply.. Nirvana.

I can’t believe I didn’t get a passport sooner than I did.  The freedom, the adventure.. those 2 words alone are enough for me.  I’ve literally gone on a few trips that came to me last minute and if I didn’t have my passport ready to fly, then I wouldn’t be flying anywhere.  It’s the first step you take if your at all interested in venturing out and seeing how other people live their lives in different parts of the world.  I know that’s an obvious statement, but I once heard that 10% of Americans have passports.  Only 10% have the capability to cross borders let alone actually do it.  Be uncommon, see the world.

From traveling, I’ve learned so much about life, love, food, spirituality, family.. myself.  The countless memorable experiences I’ve had and shared with remarkable people, I’ll be taking some of those moments with me for the rest of my days.  The sad part is knowing that I won’t have enough time in this life to see all the places that I’d like to, but Lord knows I’m doing the best I can.

Now that I’ve been to the far reaches of the planet I now know how little I’ve really traveled.  Other cultures allot much more time to traveling than Americans do, for the most part.  I know that there are exceptions to every rule, but the standard amount of vacation time for Americans is 2 weeks per year.  That’s 50 for work and only 2 for vacation, which is roughly 4% of the year.  So only 4% of the year is alloted for vacation and the possibility to travel and only 10% of Americans venture out of the country.. I think that’s a crime is some lands, if it’s not, it could be.

View in between naps.. Spectacular.

The next step is buying the ticket.  I’m certain everybody has an idea of where they would like to travel so getting the ticket is the next big hurdle.  If you buy the ticket, your committing, even if that ticket is refundable or changeable, and your sub-conscious mind starts arranging it for you, it’s quite remarkable how that happens, and before you know it, your on a plane, boat, train, car, horse, bike or whatever else is your preferred means of travel, embarking on an adventure that you’ll remember for the rest of your life.

Take more time for traveling.  You not only deserve it, you’ll thank yourself for it.

From dream to fruition.

When I asked myself for the first time, “what do I want?”, I couldn’t come up with an answer.  I was stunned!  How could I not know what I want?  The truth is, I knew what I wanted, I just wasn’t able to commit all of my time and energy out of fear.  Fear of failure, fear of rejection, fear of loss, fear of humiliation.  The list goes on but the important part is the common denominator, fear.  I decided that I was no longer going to allow fear to stop me from obtaining what I wanted in life.  I was no longer going to allow fate to conduct the orchestra of my life, I was going to take charge and be the creator of my own destiny.

So what if others think I’m weird, we’re all weird.  So what if I don’t get what I want, at least I tried.  So what if I feel alone on my quest, that feeling won’t last long.  If I keep my focus on the finish line instead of the hurdle in front of me, chances are I’ll trip.  And one thing’s for certain, life has plenty of hurdles one has to look out for, and by keeping your attention on each one you are most likely going to get to the finish line not only sooner, but with less scars.

Sometimes life delivers a super hard blow, causing us to question our journey.  It’s during these times that we must not only maintain our course, it’s also vital we burn the fire of determination even hotter than before, for it’s how we march through the mud that our character is defined.  Everyone knows how to walk the yellow brick road, but when our path is covered with layer upon layer of hardships, and with the mighty storm of doubt sometimes washing away part of the road, making it difficult to find our way, we must trust in ourselves, knowing that we’ve made the right choice to travel along this trail, and go even harder in the direction that our heart tells us.

It still took some time to answer that damn question, what the f#@$ do I want?!, which now I know was of benefit.  There’s no need to rush into something that I might not want in a months time.  And there’s no need to think that just because I’ve decided what I wanted now that it might not change in the future.  It sounds tricky, I know, but you’ll know when you’ve come up with your calling, it will vibrate through your entire being.

Now that I know what I want, I know what it’s gonna take to get it.  And one of the most valuable lessons I’ve ever learned is this – anything is possible.  If I want to travel the world, it’s possible.  If I want to have a family and a house with a white picked fence, it’s possible.  If I want to walk on the moon, it’s possible.  Anything and everything is possible, so dream big!  But you must be willing to work hard in order to be given what you want.  Because another lesson I’ve learned is that nothing that I ever wanted came easy.

Now ask for what you want.  For without asking, how can you receive?  One of my new things is saying my wishes out loud.  When you say them out loud you are more likely to have them come true.  Your putting it out there, letting the universe, and the people around you know what you want.  And I like to replace the word “wish” with the word “will”.  For example, I will travel to South Africa.  Instead of, I wish I could travel to South Africa.

Not at any time are you to be afraid of asking for what you want or need, not once.  No matter how grand the request is, even if you’re certain the answer will be “no”, ask it.  For you will never know if you don’t ask.  With that said, you must be willing to accept “no” as an answer.  Because sometimes you will receive it, and if your able to accept it, you most likely won’t be devastated by hearing it.  Try to get people to say no to you, it’s good for you to hear it as well as it’s good for them to say it.  But another highly valuable lesson I’ve learned is this – there’s no such thing as no for an answer, only different ways of asking the same question.  What I mean by that is this, if your going after something you truly want in life, not just something you desire at the moment, like a free upgrade to first class on an over night flight, which I’ve asked for and received , then you have the power of purpose behind your words, and you will speak with honesty and intention.  With those 3 nouns aiding your quest, and if you genuinely want something, no element can stop you.

I’ve come to the realization that it’s not the ends that are important, it’s the means that truly matter.  Hence the phrase – “getting there is half the fun”.

Playtime is over, it’s time to get to work!  But not to worry, it will be one of the greatest things you could ever do for yourself as well as for those that love you.

After that first book, you’ll never find me without something to read. Anything you could ever want to learn, is only a book store away.

Archetype (Jungian psychology): A pattern of thought, present in an individual’s unconscious, inherited from the past collective experience of humanity.

The first thing she describes is the four archetypes that we all share – child, victim, prostitute, and saboteur.  When I first heard this I thought, ok, child and victim for sure, saboteur maybe, but prostitute.. no way, I don’t sell my body, that’s ridiculous.  But when she described each in detail, it was the prostitute that hit home the hardest.  In a nut shell, the prostitute sells a part of themselves in order to make others happy, not necessarily their body, but a part of their souls, and it was true for me.  So true that when I listened to that part of the book I was on my way home, and when I got home I turned off the car and sat in my garage, listening to what she was saying, with tears pouring out of my eyes because she nailed it, I had been selling a part of my soul all this time and I didn’t even know it.

I had changed a part of who I was in order to sustain a relationship that I was afraid of losing, and it wasn’t a bad habit that I was changing, or a vice I was giving up, it was a part of me that is good and pure, that makes me who I am, the part of me that is the driving force behind this blog, my ability to connect with others on an intimate level.

Fear had made me believe that it was essential for me to do this in order to keep what I wanted, what I thought I needed in my life.  And I did need it, in actuality, to open my eyes to what I was doing to myself.  Not because I needed to hold onto something, that was never mine, but it was crucial I let go of something that, in reality, I never really had.

By the time I realized it, I had been sitting in my car contemplating this new understanding for over an hour.  My conclusion was this, if it was meant to be then you don’t need to sacrifice any part of yourself in order to “make it work”, they will love you for who you are, not for who you might become, so just be.

Looking into ones own life is vital when trying to obtain complete happiness. One must learn the habits of the subconscious mind in order to eliminate circumstances that do not bring us closer to our own “perfect world”.  For it will continue to create the situations needed in order for us to learn the lessons we need to ensure our own personal evolution, hence the phrase “history repeats itself”.  It only repeats itself when you haven’t learned from it.

Ever since I listened to that book on CD I’ve been on a mission of self fulfillment and I can’t turn back now.  I can’t say it’s been an easy road to travel, at times it’s not only difficult but extremely painful as well, because looking at the things you do and the reasons you do them isn’t a simple task.  I’ve called up my cousin, several times, cursing him for starting me on this path, wishing I could go back to living blindly to the ways of my subconscious, life was a lot easier then.  But then again, who ever said life was supposed to be easy.  As a matter of fact, I find the most difficult trails to walk usually have the best views when you reach the top.

We spend our entire lives hiding from our inner truths, we even block some of them completely out of our memory.  To unlock that door is hard enough, but to actually walk in that room of darkness and denial takes more courage than confronting any exterior force.  However, when you do, you not only bring light into your life, you also bring it into the lives of those that surround you.

The story of my life- Dropping in late, but going for it when I finally do.

In surfing, and in life, while I wait for the next “ride”, am I calm and patient, or restless and irritated?  When that wave does come, am I focused, centered and present, or am I scattered and living in another moment?  Do I take the first wave that comes my way, or do I take my chances that the next one will give me a superior ride?   When I do decide which wave I’m going to take, that first drop or step is crucial, it will determine how the rest of the wave will go.  It requires confidence, commitment, and above all,  the will to make it.

Sometimes the ocean gives you the most amazing rush, and other times it serves you up a beating that makes you think you might not live to see the next breath.  And no wave lasts forever, whether it’s a fun ride or not, like everything else, it too will come to an end.

The Algarve, Southern Portugal

If you think about what a wave is, energy that has been traveling for thousands of miles, and that journey across the ocean ends when it hits land and forms a wave.  If your in the center of that wave, in the barrel, in a cylinder of energy that has been building up until that moment, it’s a mind-blowing experience!

So let’s got for a surf, and see where our head is at for the day, week, month, year, life…